E mail Dating Masterclass

Email dating masterclass

Big-nosed romantic, try-hard Cyrano de Bergerac would've loved online dating. The chance to flirt by email, tickle someone's fancy by instant message and seduce the world with a beautifully-composed profile means that witty wordsmiths can now compete with pretty idiots in the love-hunting game.

OK, so appearance still matters online. You can be as funny and poetic as you like, but if your profile photo looks like the Elephant Man you won't get much interest, (especially if you're a woman). But an average-looking person can be rendered wildly popular in the online dating world by following the simple rules of the email game. Want to know how to do it? Read on.

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DO read their profile, and read it again
Before you write even the first word of an email to someone you've spotted on a dating website, have a good read of their profile and pick out one or two things to comment on. If you can combine a question with a compliment, you're well on your way to getting a reply.

DON'T ramble
While it's good to base your first email on their profile, don't write more than a few bright and breezy lines. Over-eager types write an essay of compliments based upon a profile's every word. Please don't. You will come across like a stalker or, at best, someone with too much time on their hands. Unless the recipient fancies the pants off your photo, he or she will find your interest more off-putting than flattering.

DO ask interesting questions
Use your imagination and ask something that'll get them thinking. Otherwise you'll just sound like the Queen passing down a row and asking repeatedly, "and what do you do?". For example, if their profile mentions that they love to travel, ask where in the world they'd most like to see. Or which destination has surprised them the most. If they mention loving a certain film, compliment them on their taste, name a (similar) film that you love and ask whether they've seen it. That shows that you have things in common, makes them feel good about their taste, and gets a conversation going. Wasn't difficult, was it?

DON'T cut 'n' paste
It's patently obvious when people - and I'm afraid it's usually men - write one introductory email and send the same thing to oodles of potential dates. There's a name for this kind of introductory email: spam. I don't care how beautifully worded it is; if it refers to absolutely nothing unique about someone's profile, he or she will twig immediately that you've sent the same thing to 100 other people on the same website. Your email will be as alluring as junk mail, because it is junk mail, and you'll look desperate and socially inept.

DO comment on their photo - briefly
No-one wants to be interesting only for their looks, but no-one wants to be interesting in spite of their looks either. Flatter them by mentioning that you liked their photo, but don't make that the sole reason for your approach, and save it for the second email. Start with a quick, friendly note and, if they reply, add a dash of photo-approval at the end of your second message. "By the way, I'm really glad that you replied. I loved your profile and liked what I saw in your photos" is more than enough.

DON'T write your life story
Nothing dulls the flames faster than a suitor who won't shut up. Besides, if you send them a one-page email about your weekend, he or she feels pressured to reply in kind - so probably won't bother. For similar reasons, don't shower your recipient with emails. Stick to one reply for one email.

DO say you're enjoying it (...if you are)
Many a dating guru has claimed that we humans only want what we can't have, that we're suckers for "playing hard to get". It's true that too much flattery can put someone off, but their attention will wander very quickly if they think you're not interested. Make them feel good about themselves and signal your interest without going overboard. Sign off an email with: "I'm really enjoying our chats. You seem like a lovely person." It makes it easier to move things forward.

DON'T lie
Some people regard online dating as a licence to fib, but inventing stuff about yourself in an email exchange is no different from inventing stuff about yourself in a conversation at the pub. Lies catch up with you sooner or later, unless you really have no intention of meeting at all, which is just another string to your bow of dishonesty. If you do meet and find that you really like each other, you'll have to cough up the truth eventually - and it won't make you look good. Having a low income, an "unexciting" job, or even kids with your ex won't put off someone who genuinely likes you. Lying about it probably will.

DO be funny, within reason
Not for nothing is "GSOH" a cliché of the personal ads. Everyone loves someone who can make them laugh, so make your emails witty rather than soppy. But there are limits. A constant stream of one-liners makes you sound like a class clown who can't take anything seriously. Go easy with the self-deprecation too, which can very easily tip over into insecurity, and avoid sarcasm - good-hearted sarkiness can easily be misunderstood if they can't hear your tone of voice. Finally, if you're daft enough to make fun of their photo or profile, please get your coat and leave.

DON'T ask for a date straight away
It's a good rule of thumb to wait a week after your first email before asking them out. Ask too soon and you may seem desperate. However, if the emails are flying fast and furious and it's clear that you fancy the online pants off each other, it may be wise to ask sooner than a week - or you risk getting fixated on a person you've never met, which can lead to offline disappointment. If in doubt, wait until they ask!

DO bow out graciously
If you've established an email conversation and you lose interest or meet someone else, don't just do a vanishing act. Send a short, respectful note to say that you've started seeing someone, but that you've really enjoyed your conversations and you wish them the best of luck. They may be gutted, but they can move on and devote their attention elsewhere.

DON'T spread yourself too thin
So many potential dates, so little time. Some may not see this as a problem, but it could banjax your love life - and your social and work life if you spend all day writing emails. Juggle too many e-suitors and you'll even forget what you've written to each one. Don't encourage this situation by replying to everyone who responds to your profile. Only reply to those you want to pursue further, and, if after a couple of emails they don't float your boat, bow out respectfully.

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By Jane Hoskyn
DatingDirect.com writer