How to read what personal ads don't say

How to read what the personal ads don't say

Dating would never make it as an Olympic sport. There's simply too much cheating going on, and weeding out the liars is like spotting the bad egg in a healthy dozen - tricky to do without making a mess.

Even if there were an Olympic-standard urine test to prove your date's honesty, no-one's yet found a way to check the wee of someone you've only met online.

Instead, you have to rely on your wits and intuition to spot the tell-tale clues in men's online dating profiles. Allow me to offer some pointers.

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The web has countless "online dating dictionaries" that unpick the language of internet profiles. For "romantic" read "looks better by candlelight," for "widow" read "drove husband to shoot himself"... you get the idea.

They're funny because they contain a grain of truth. To get the best out of internet dating, you need to read between the lines of the personals. In some cases it could save you from entanglement with a rebounder who only wants his ex back, an online dating addict who'll dump you the moment a better prospect lands in his inbox - or a man who forgot to mention his wife.

Online dating offers cheats a handy cloak of anonymity, because online, no-one can hear you scream. That is, no-one can hear you scream "sorry love, I'm just on Amazon" to the missus while you're cyber-flirting with some poor lass who thinks you're young, free, single and her perfect match.

"I'll never stop online dating as long as I'm single, because for me it's the best way to meet people," says Natasha, 30, an IT worker from London. "But I and most of my friends have all met at least one bloke who's turned out to be much less available than he said.

"Last summer I was seeing a guy who'd said he was separated, but I found out he was still living with his wife and their three young kids. I really fell for him and it took me a long time to get over it. I believe he's still with the family, and probably still online dating behind their backs."

Natasha's wise not to let her experience sour her enjoyment of online dating. The huge majority of men (and women) online are precisely what they claim to be. A Cornell University study found that most online daters do fib, but the fibs are surprisingly innocuous. Online fibbers "shed" an average six pounds from their weight, boosted their height by an average one-third of an inch and shaved five months off their age. Not exactly wholesale self-editing.

But bad apples, liars and cheats are out there, and it's worth polishing your man-radar to suss them out before they enter your offline life. Here are a few frequent offenders and some tips on spotting them.

1: The married man

Clue number one is the absence of a photo on his profile. If a married man is fishing for extra-curricular activity, he's hardly going to bait his hook with a pic of his grinning mug. Also hear warning bells if he's only included one photo that's so fuzzy or far away that even his mother wouldn't know him.

His profile may be short and devoid of much information about his occupation, location, what he likes to do at the weekend - in fact he'll manage to write a whole ad without sayig much at all. If you start emailing, he'll ask you plenty of questions but will cannily avoid answering yours. He'll probably want to meet up before you've even swapped a couple of messages, and he'll ask for your phone number but not give you his. Avoid at all costs.

2: The serial online dating addict

Also known as "professional online dater", this weasel is basically a broadband version of the traditional commitment-phobe.

To ensure that you reach your next birthday with some self-esteem intact, avoid the serial online dating addict (we'll call him SODA) by spotting clues such as a profile photo that's overly suggestive or narcissistic, an ad that lacks detail about his interests and dreams, and a very broad remit for his ideal match. He'll send you a wink or mark you as a favourite without following up with a message - he can't, because he's too busy winking at other women.

That said, serial online dating addicts come in all guises. Friends have fallen hard and fast for men whose profiles were full of detail and whose photos didn't suggest a hint of self-obsession - but, once involved, he followed the SODA pattern to the letter, romancing them intensely for a few weeks before disappearing overnight. They found him on the dating site, getting his next fix.

Perhaps the only real way to spot a SODA before it's too late is to ask that he takes his profile down once you're past your second date. If he refuses, bail out.

3: The dating computer gamer

This chap has no intention of ever meeting you in real life, he just likes playing games online. Like other computer gamers, he'll happily stay up all night getting lost in his own little world - except that he's playing with real people.

Fantasists create profiles that bear little relation to reality. Watch out for bizarre inconsistencies and profile pics that look much younger than the age they claim to be. Chances are it's not of him at all. Also watch out for emails that are clearly cut n' paste jobs that he's dispatched to countless women on the same site. Fun for him; tedious for us.

4: The wounded dumpee

Dating sites, like singles bars, are stuffed with people of both sexes who are "getting out there" after a break-up that they're far from over. Fall for one and you're cruising for an emotional bruising, because you'll never live up to the perfect ex.

Dumpees and bitter rebounders are often easy to spot, thanks to their addled compulsion to fill their profile with veiled references to their heartache and not-so-veiled criticisms of the ex. "I'm looking for a woman who won't slag off my CD collection and break my heart because she doesn't understand me" is not the cry of a man who needs healing by you, it's the yell of a bloke who needs to get over the past before he can play any part in your future.

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By Jane Hoskyn
DatingDirect.com copywriter