How to say thanks ... but no thanks

Don't you just love being targeted by door-to-door salesmen and high-street charity collectors? Thought not.

We Brits are so squeamish about saying "no" that we'll do anything to avoid it, even if it means walking into a lamp-post to avoid a chugger's eye.

But in the world of online dating, "no" comes with the territory. Women especially can receive scores of messages every day from men who don't even spark their zippo, let alone light their fire, so an ability to say "no thanks" is an essential tool in the armoury of the internet dater.

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How best to rebuff an unwanted online admirer? Depends when you're doing it...

After their first email

There are two main schools of thought here. The first says that turning someone down on the net is no different from turning someone down in a bar or at a party - in all cases, rejection is a dish best served politely and clearly.

So if you get an email from someone who clearly isn't your cuppa, reply with: "Thanks for writing, but I've got a few conversations on the go and they're more than enough for me for now. Good luck with your dating."

The second school of thought says that no reply is the best reply. Online dating is manifestly not like being in a bar or at a party. You're unlikely to get 10 eager advances in one evening down the pub (if you do, please tell us your secret), but 10 is a not unreasonable haul for a newcomer to a dating site - especially if you're a woman with a brace of attractive photos. Must you really reply to every one of those admirers? Frankly, don't sweat it.

"Men aren't fussed if you don't reply to that first email," says Neal, 35, who's dated two women he met online. "You won't be the only woman I've emailed. No response shows you're not interested."

The women I spoke to tended to agree. "Men who do a disappearing act after a date or in a relationship are cowardly scumbags, but this is very different," says Jess, 31. "If someone doesn't reply to my initial email I just assume I'm not his type. There's plenty more where he came from."

A quick note of caution for women who will insist on replying to every suitor because "it's only polite". Says Gavin, 27: "If you've replied it suggests there's a flicker of interest. 'Thanks but no thanks' is like a tease." I don't agree, but then perhaps I'm the wrong sex to see a rebuff as a come-on.

If they continue to email you anyway

Alas, some suitors seem immune to the "no response" response. If they continue to pepper your inbox with emails, reject them in writing. No excuses and no apologies. This should do the trick: "Thanks for your emails, but I'm really not interested. All the best."

If that doesn't stop them, use your online dating site's blocking feature - but only as a last resort. Blocking someone is no substitute for a polite rejection, because it feels like a slap in the face.

After you've got friendly by email

Once you and your potential match are a few flirtations down the line, the rules change. You've formed a relationship of sorts, and if at this stage you lose interest or get a better offer, you owe the other person a respectful farewell. Pull a disappearing act now and they'll be left feeling confused and possibly very hurt.

Email them to say that you've really enjoyed your exchanges but you've given it some thought and you don't think you're a match. Thank them for the time they've invested in you, and wish them well.

Don't offer to continue writing to each other as friends (unless you genuinely want to), because you won't keep it up - and this will just prolong the rejection for them. It's also best to avoid white lies about "not being ready to date anyone right now". They'll just get in touch again a few weeks later to find out whether you've changed your mind.

If you've made a date - and had second thoughts

It's all too easy to agree to meet someone, then to go away and realise that you're about as keen to spend an evening with them as you are to spend an evening sitting in cold porridge.

It's also very common in the world of online dating to make tentative plans with one person before being swept off your feet by another, leaving you wanting to cancel the date with person number one.

Again, gentle honesty is your best policy. Drop your admirer a note at least a day before the date to say that you don't think the chemistry is there, and you don't want to waste their time.

Don't just postpone your date over and over until they run out of patience, because all you're doing is putting off the chore of rejecting them - which will be bigger and uglier once you finally get round to it.

After your first date

You may know from the moment you lay eyes on them that it's a no-no, but for heaven's sake do not do a runner. This person went to the trouble of dressing up and turning up, so your plan to jump out the pub loo window after 20 minutes is just wanton cruelty. Give it at least a couple of hours before taking your leave, and do so graciously.

Once you've had a bit of a drink and a decent chat, end the date by being upfront about not wanting to meet again. Don't give details, but do be definitive, and thank them for a lovely time.

If you're a man rejecting a woman, don't say you'll call her if you have no intention to. Just give her a peck on the check and say that you don't think you're a match, but you did enjoy meeting her and you wish her all the best.

This will all be very easy if there's no spark on either side. However if the other person is very attracted to you, you won't enjoy rejecting them - but reject them you must if you know you can't reciprocate. Tell them that you know you've connected, but you're just not sure there's enough chemistry from your side for a relationship. You're being honest without insulting them or stringing them along - which gives them the best chance to dust themselves down and dive straight back into the online dating pool.

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By Jane Hoskyn
DatingDirect.com copywriter