Rules are made to be broken

Four dating rules to ignore

Some say that dating is a game, and rules are necessary to keep things running smoothly. You know, like in football or Scrabble. But the truth is that love is not a level playing field (or Scrabble board), and not all rules should apply.

The trouble with most dating rules is their assumption that all men think and act alike, all women think and act alike, and all relationships run the same course. Even the most inexperienced teenagers know that's not the case, and yet we all feel some pressure to conform to catch-all cliches - men should do the chasing, never have sex on a first date and so on.

Like all cliches, these rules are based on bitter experience and contain some nuggets of truth. So they're useful as a vague guideline, but they could also do with a bit of bending...

1. Women should never make the first move

Stop press: some men are shy. And some women are self-assured grown-ups who don't have the time or the inclination to hang around waiting for a man to make a move.

Yes, a lot of men are turned on by the thrill of the chase, and nobody makes a great impression by coming on too strong. But as watertight rules go, this is one that's made to be broken.

Here's why. If a woman asks a man out and he says yes, great - he's probably delighted and relieved, and everyone's happy. If she asks him out and he says no, it means he doesn't fancy her, and was never going to ask her out anyway. Not so happy, but at least you can move on.

There is, of course, the chance that a keen man is turned off a woman by the fact that she asked him out, thereby depriving him of the "thrill of the chase". This means that he's an insecure dimwit, and no great loss to any woman.

The fact is that we all enjoy the thrill of the chase - men and women. But we'll only chase something if we think we're in with a chance of catching it. Nurturing a new relationship should involve flirting and chasing on both sides, not just flirting on the woman's side and chasing on the man's side.

2. He should always pay on a date

What year is this, exactly? The last time I went on a date with a man who insisted on paying for everything, purely because he was male, I felt 1% delighted to save my cash, and 99% uncomfortable about being the "little woman". That doesn't make me a ball-breaking feminist: it makes me a thirtysomething lass who's proud of her independence and has a sense of fairness. And fairness includes wanting to share.

There's some logic in the idea that the "asker-outer" should be the one to pay. If you're OK with that, then the "askee" should at least leave a tip or buy a round of drinks. If you're out with a man who absolutely refuses to let you pay a penny, then you may have a bit of a control freak on your hands. (Have you ever seen or read American Psycho? Recommended.)

3. Never date a workmate

Most of us spend more time at the workplace than anywhere else, and we'll often head for the pub with our workmates after a day's graft. Those people (some of them) become your friends and companions, and attraction is bound to occur somewhere - just as when you were at school.

So are you going to say no to that guy you've had your eye on for ages, purely because the rules say you mustn't date a colleague? More fool you.

I know more happily loved-up couples who met at work than through any other route. In fact, one couple met online and found they had loads in common - including that they both worked for the same giant publisher. It shouldn't be surprising. People in similar jobs or organisations are often similar types of people, so they're bound to be drawn together.

Yes, it can be tricky if you break up, and there are bosses who take a dim view of the troops jumping into bed together. But on balance, it's a tried and tested way to meet your other half. When you date a colleague, you know what you're getting - you've got to know them slowly and seen them as they really are, interacting with other people, dealing with stress and so on. But do make sure your levels of seniority aren't too different. Just ask Monica Lewinsky...

4. Don't have sex on the first date

Ah. The sex rule. It's a wise one, but it's also a tricky one. Going all the way on a first date is not a good idea if you want a relationship with this person, but there are mitigating circumstances. Perhaps you've been very close friends for months, and you've finally admitted your mutual feelings - in which case, go for it. You've waited long enough.

However there's a hideously dependable old saying: "women fall in love after sex; men are only in love before it". Having sex immediately can be wildly passionate and loads of fun, but it rarely leads to an ongoing attachment, and (irritatingly) it's usually the men who lose interest if you put out too soon. Busting your physical flush on date number one won't help you get to date number two, even if you know more sex tricks than the Marquis de Sade.

But don't be a tease. If you've had a fantastic evening and you're chatting on the sofa at 3am, refusing to Do Tongues is not going to make him think "wow she's so self-disciplined, I must see her again". If the attraction is obvious and mutual, follow your heart (and your loins) to some degree - but don't be pressured into anything, and make sure to leave plenty for next time.

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Jane Hoskyn
DatingDirect.com